Spouse Abuse

Here's a subject we are all familiar with and for many of us employ a sense of denial in its existence. Unless we actually witness the abuse taking place we find it hard to believe it is going on. Most victims of abuse try to hide the fact out of pride and/or embarrassment.

The most widely known form is the physical abuse, the beating of the victim leaving bruises, black eyes, broken bones, etc. Stephen King referred to it as "home correction" in one of his books. It has been going on since the dawn of mankind and is easily recognized. However, there is another form of abuse that is more widely used and less likely to be recognized. That form of abuse is verbal abuse. It can be just as damaging for the victim over a period of time and as I'm wont to say, it ain't right. I know of a couple of victims in relationships where this is happening. I feel bad that I am powerless to do anything to make it better for them.

In checking out the subject and Googling "verbal spouse abuse" the search engine came back with over 1.1 million results. There is no shortage of material and that is an indication of how widespread this problem is.

From All About Life Challenges.com they tell us that spouse abuse is both physical and/or emotional. It is usually motivated by feelings of powerlessness or insecurity on the part of the abuser. The abuse is often caused by unhealthy possessiveness or jealousy or both. Verbal abuse continues to silently erode the victim's self worth. There are no visible scars. Verbal abuse is veiled accusations of the abuser out of their frustrations. It can take place in the form of put downs, name calling, screaming, repeatedly speaking disrespectfully of the victim and on and on. It is often a form of attempting to control or manipulate the victim and often escalates into yelling and screaming. This site even uses passages from the bible to support their findings.

From helpguide.org there is a list of six red flags or signs that a victim can look for:
1. Dominance - the abuser declares that he is the boss. They are the one in charge.
2. Humiliation - the abuser tries to make the victim feel bad about them self
3. Isolation - the abuser tries to cut the victim off from the outside world. They prevent the victim form seeing friends or family, try to prevent the victim from going to work and demands the victim has to ask their permission before doing anything.
4. Threats - the abuser threatens to harm or kill you or your loved ones, threatens to commit suicide or report the victim to the authorities on false charges.
5. Denial or blame - the abuser makes excuses for their abuse by blaming their behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day or even being victims of abuse themselves. The often try to shift the blame of their abuse to the victim.
6. Intimidation - the abuser commits acts to try to scare the victim with threatening looks or gestures, breaking things, or even putting weapons on display. They try to limit you access to money, using the phone or the car. They constantly check on the victim.

Both web sites mention the "Cycle of Violence". There are five stages in the cycle. The first is the abuse with the aggressive or violent behavior. The abuser is going to show the victim "just who is the boss around here". Then it goes to guilt. The abuser doesn't feel guilty about what they have done but gets scared that they will be caught. After the guilt stage comes the excuse stage. The abuser tries to shift the responsibility for his abusive behavior to victim. "You made me do this". Then comes the normal behavior stage where the abuser tries to regain control of their self and keep the victim in their relationship. The abuser may even act as if nothing ever happened or even turn on the charming loving ways. Next comes the fantasy or planning stage. The abuser spends a lot of time thinking and eventually make plans to turn the fantasy into reality. Finally comes the set up stage where the abuser puts their plan into motion and attempts to set up the victim to justify their abuse. Then the cycle starts anew going back to the first stage.

From enzinearticles.com they tells us about the victim's stages. The victim's feelings are hurt, they are demeaned, angry and embarrassed. They often arouse contempt from the abuser by trying to placate or make things better. The victim gets blamed for causing the abuse. They surrender and give in to the abuser. The victim denies that it even happened. Finally comes the complete submission stage. Although the victim is burning with rage and hatred of the abuser they decide that staying in the relationship is better than leaving and hopes that somehow they will survive. This is often caused for money, prestige, social status or the warped desire to be part of the power that the abuser might have. They have seen first hand what the abuser can do with their power.

Without so much as laying a hand on the victim the abuse can eventually erode the health of the victim. From suite101.com is an article by Dr. Dorothy Neddermeyer that tells us verbal abuse will lead to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. You are probably familiar with PTSD in military folks that have seen the hell that war can cause. The victims of verbal spouse abuse suffer in the same fashion but on a different front. They have feelings of helplessness and fear of everyday living in their own homes. They have flashbacks of the abuse. They withdraw from their everyday living away from friends, co-workers and other family members. They have sleep disorders that rob them of the body's need to replenish itself. They suffer from depression and often show signs of disinterest. They can become cold and aloof. Sometimes they just plain give up in that complete submission stage.

Stress can cause a wide array of damaging things to a human. It robs the body of naturally taking care of itself the way nature intended. It uses up the body's energy and opens the door for any physical weakness that may be lurking in the background such as heart problems just to mention one. I have no facts to base this on but I feel that many cancer victims are ones with a whole lot of stress in their lives. Stress can do very ugly things to a person. Victims of verbal spouse abuse live very stressful lives. Verbal abuse can often lead to physical abuse. Even if there is no physical abuse being a victim can erode the feeling of well being and one's sense of self worth.

As an observer of such relationships there is not much we can do in the way to help the victims. We can talk to them, confide in them as a friend but all the talking in the world won't do a bit of good until the victim is ready. Like the alcoholic addict the first step is for the victim to decide for them self that they have a problem. In reality about all we can do is let them know we will be there for them. Once the victim admits this to their self then there is a world of help available just for the asking. Even in this area there is widespread help readily available. Religious ministers are well versed on where and how to get help. There are agencies listed in the phone books. If you're a victim there is help for guidance and even financial help if needed, to get out of an abusive relationship. Life is too short as it is. It ain't worth your health to pretend everything is status quo to the outside world and go on living in an abusive relationship. You just have to convince yourself to take that first step. Your close friends and other family members that love and care about you can probably see what is going on. Be honest with yourself and then you can be honest with them. There is no shame in admitting you made a mistake in holding on to a relationship with an abusive spouse. The mistake is trying to hide from it.

ole nib