Thursday, September 6, 2007

Spouse Abuse

Here's a subject we are all familiar with and for many of us employ a sense of denial in its existence. Unless we actually witness the abuse taking place we find it hard to believe it is going on. Most victims of abuse try to hide the fact out of pride and/or embarrassment.

The most widely known form is the physical abuse, the beating of the victim leaving bruises, black eyes, broken bones, etc. Stephen King referred to it as "home correction" in one of his books. It has been going on since the dawn of mankind and is easily recognized. However, there is another form of abuse that is more widely used and less likely to be recognized. That form of abuse is verbal abuse. It can be just as damaging for the victim over a period of time and as I'm wont to say, it ain't right. I know of a couple of victims in relationships where this is happening. I feel bad that I am powerless to do anything to make it better for them.

In checking out the subject and Googling "verbal spouse abuse" the search engine came back with over 1.1 million results. There is no shortage of material and that is an indication of how widespread this problem is.

From All About Life Challenges.com they tell us that spouse abuse is both physical and/or emotional. It is usually motivated by feelings of powerlessness or insecurity on the part of the abuser. The abuse is often caused by unhealthy possessiveness or jealousy or both. Verbal abuse continues to silently erode the victim's self worth. There are no visible scars. Verbal abuse is veiled accusations of the abuser out of their frustrations. It can take place in the form of put downs, name calling, screaming, repeatedly speaking disrespectfully of the victim and on and on. It is often a form of attempting to control or manipulate the victim and often escalates into yelling and screaming. This site even uses passages from the bible to support their findings.

From helpguide.org there is a list of six red flags or signs that a victim can look for:
1. Dominance - the abuser declares that he is the boss. They are the one in charge.
2. Humiliation - the abuser tries to make the victim feel bad about them self
3. Isolation - the abuser tries to cut the victim off from the outside world. They prevent the victim form seeing friends or family, try to prevent the victim from going to work and demands the victim has to ask their permission before doing anything.
4. Threats - the abuser threatens to harm or kill you or your loved ones, threatens to commit suicide or report the victim to the authorities on false charges.
5. Denial or blame - the abuser makes excuses for their abuse by blaming their behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day or even being victims of abuse themselves. The often try to shift the blame of their abuse to the victim.
6. Intimidation - the abuser commits acts to try to scare the victim with threatening looks or gestures, breaking things, or even putting weapons on display. They try to limit you access to money, using the phone or the car. They constantly check on the victim.

Both web sites mention the "Cycle of Violence". There are five stages in the cycle. The first is the abuse with the aggressive or violent behavior. The abuser is going to show the victim "just who is the boss around here". Then it goes to guilt. The abuser doesn't feel guilty about what they have done but gets scared that they will be caught. After the guilt stage comes the excuse stage. The abuser tries to shift the responsibility for his abusive behavior to victim. "You made me do this". Then comes the normal behavior stage where the abuser tries to regain control of their self and keep the victim in their relationship. The abuser may even act as if nothing ever happened or even turn on the charming loving ways. Next comes the fantasy or planning stage. The abuser spends a lot of time thinking and eventually make plans to turn the fantasy into reality. Finally comes the set up stage where the abuser puts their plan into motion and attempts to set up the victim to justify their abuse. Then the cycle starts anew going back to the first stage.

From enzinearticles.com they tells us about the victim's stages. The victim's feelings are hurt, they are demeaned, angry and embarrassed. They often arouse contempt from the abuser by trying to placate or make things better. The victim gets blamed for causing the abuse. They surrender and give in to the abuser. The victim denies that it even happened. Finally comes the complete submission stage. Although the victim is burning with rage and hatred of the abuser they decide that staying in the relationship is better than leaving and hopes that somehow they will survive. This is often caused for money, prestige, social status or the warped desire to be part of the power that the abuser might have. They have seen first hand what the abuser can do with their power.

Without so much as laying a hand on the victim the abuse can eventually erode the health of the victim. From suite101.com is an article by Dr. Dorothy Neddermeyer that tells us verbal abuse will lead to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. You are probably familiar with PTSD in military folks that have seen the hell that war can cause. The victims of verbal spouse abuse suffer in the same fashion but on a different front. They have feelings of helplessness and fear of everyday living in their own homes. They have flashbacks of the abuse. They withdraw from their everyday living away from friends, co-workers and other family members. They have sleep disorders that rob them of the body's need to replenish itself. They suffer from depression and often show signs of disinterest. They can become cold and aloof. Sometimes they just plain give up in that complete submission stage.

Stress can cause a wide array of damaging things to a human. It robs the body of naturally taking care of itself the way nature intended. It uses up the body's energy and opens the door for any physical weakness that may be lurking in the background such as heart problems just to mention one. I have no facts to base this on but I feel that many cancer victims are ones with a whole lot of stress in their lives. Stress can do very ugly things to a person. Victims of verbal spouse abuse live very stressful lives. Verbal abuse can often lead to physical abuse. Even if there is no physical abuse being a victim can erode the feeling of well being and one's sense of self worth.

As an observer of such relationships there is not much we can do in the way to help the victims. We can talk to them, confide in them as a friend but all the talking in the world won't do a bit of good until the victim is ready. Like the alcoholic addict the first step is for the victim to decide for them self that they have a problem. In reality about all we can do is let them know we will be there for them. Once the victim admits this to their self then there is a world of help available just for the asking. Even in this area there is widespread help readily available. Religious ministers are well versed on where and how to get help. There are agencies listed in the phone books. If you're a victim there is help for guidance and even financial help if needed, to get out of an abusive relationship. Life is too short as it is. It ain't worth your health to pretend everything is status quo to the outside world and go on living in an abusive relationship. You just have to convince yourself to take that first step. Your close friends and other family members that love and care about you can probably see what is going on. Be honest with yourself and then you can be honest with them. There is no shame in admitting you made a mistake in holding on to a relationship with an abusive spouse. The mistake is trying to hide from it.

ole nib

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

I was in an abusive relationship, both verbal and physical, for almost five years. Personally, I'd take the verbal over the physical any day. I was a hair's breath away from death too many times to count. I used to be one of those people that said "Why do these women stay with these men?". I stayed because he said he would kill me and my children if I tried to leave him. I truly believed it. I lost two jobs because of him. (I see now that it was his way of keeping me dependant on him.) I KNEW I was going to die. He would kill me if I stayed, and he would kill me AND my children if I left. So I stayed. If it weren't for a couple of girls that I worked with, I know I wouldn't be alive right now. They guessed what was going on and gave me some literature to read, as well as sharing their personal abuse stories. One of them snuck me out of work one afternoon and took me to Legal Services where I filed for a protection order, which he violated. I pressed charges and he was sent to jail for a whopping twenty days. That seemed to do the trick, tho, because he left me alone after that. I think he's moved away now, but I would see him occasionally at the Italianfest or one of the all-school reunions, and believe me when I tell you that that fear never goes away. It's been seven years, now, since I got out of that relationship, and just this last month I went out on a date for the first time. I will be forever grateful to those two wonderful ladies that I worked with. I know they saved my life. You gave a very good list of red flags, ole nib. The signs were there for me; I just didn't see them for what they were.

Anonymous said...

As long as we as citizens continue to allow abusers to kill with impunity while claiming self-defense, there is little hope that the abused can escape the virtual prisons in which they live. No number of websites full of advice can protect a woman whose husband can shoot her between the eyes with a .45 knowing that his community is not going to hold him accountable.

Anonymous said...

Great post and I am sure it hits home to many people. Abuse has no boundaries. I know I was shocked when on more than one occasion I heard a man from E.L., who is suppose to be highly educated and teaches in an institution of higher learning, tell his wife or girlfriend (not sure) to shut-up and to keep quiet. I suspect he does this all the time because I heard him do this 3 or 4 times and I have only been around them for a short period of time. I was embarrassed for her and so were the other people who were there. She needs to take part of the responsibility and not let him speak to her like she is a dog. I'm sure he does not see it as abusive and that is what is so shocking.

Anonymous said...

I want to commend you for writing such an informative post. This is information that may help or save some woman's life. In my opinion that makes you one hell of a man.

Anonymous said...

Having been in an abusive situation myself, I know what you say is true, to a point.
The victim often has been belittled to the point where she (or he) doesn't believe she has any worth nor would she be able to survive in the "real" world.
And, while, as you say there is help out there, for many women it is not enough help.
That is, yes, a victim can go to the shelter or prosecutor for restraining order but actually taking her kids (if there are any and there usually are) and moving out on her own is a daunting process.
In many cases, including my own, she does not have the financial resources to survive and the "help" she can get is not always sufficient to allow her to live with any kind of dignity or comfort with her children.
Believe, I know this. It took me four years to finally save enough money to move out of my abusive home and get on my feet, and I was lucky enough to be educated and have a good paying job to back me up once I moved out.
For those who have never been in the situation to ask,"Why the hell doesn't she leave him," is unfair, because they have no idea how hard it can be.
But, as a survivor of abuse, I still encourage women to GET OUT! as soon as possible. It's very unlikely he is going to change, nor is your situation.
Start saving money where you can, hide it away and then just leave when you can.
But, in many situations, it's better to just leave and take your chances with the system. Once he's killed you, it's too late, obviously.
But please, those not in an abusive relationship, don't assume the woman is stupid for "taking it" time and again. She may not have any choice, believe it or not.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Sometimes you have to knock your ole' lady around a few times. It's the only way to get their attention when you've already told them to shut up three or four times.

Anonymous said...
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************* said...

I will not have slanderous comments shown on here. If it persists I will go the way of ORL and edit comments before they are posted.

ole nib

Anonymous said...

selective about trashing slander comments arent you. now we know who controlls you.

Anonymous said...
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************* said...

To all you that made sincere comments I would like to thank you for your participation. I researched and wrote this piece because when I see something wrong it usually bothers me. In this case I'm unable to do a thing except writing this post. Abuse in any form is not a joking matter.

To Joe Public - your comment got to stay simply because I knew some jerk would try to make a joke out of it. You stepped right into the spot light.

To SOI Member - NO ONE CONTROLS ME. No one. My posts and comments are solely of my own initiative. I use a pseudonym for that very reason.

To Spoon - You gotta get a grip. The kind of rage you used in your first comment on this particular post is a bit radical. Breathe & peace be with you.

ole nib

Worried sick said...

I so appreciate all the time and effort you put into this. I expecially found the part where you said, "As an observer of such relationships there is not much we can do in the way to help the victims."........My step-daughter was slammed down on the pavement and choked by her husband. All charges by the cops, not her have now been dropped. All his family are blaming her and she is being the tipical victim from what I have read on line. I tried talking with her till I spiked my blood pressure twice. To no avail. Anyway thanks so much I needed to read all that. I may not be able to get her to read any of it, but maybe in time. I love my step-daughter and care if she's ok aswell as the grandbaby. An 8 month old in the middle of all this. thanks for your time.

************* said...

Worried Sick - I'm so sorry for the grief and stress you must be feeling about your step-daughter's situation. I haven't gone through this with a close relative but I imagine it is terribly hard on you. The girl that inspired me to research and write this finally said enough and got out. Her divorce trial comes up next month. It took her awhile to realize she was being abused. Fortunately for her it didn't get to the physical abuse stage but she was really hitting a low on her self esteem from the verbal abuse. She's a different person today and seems to be a lot more sure of herself and her worth.

I'm definitely not an expert but my best advice is to continue to frequently remind your step-daughter that you are there for her and will be when she's ready to get her and her baby out of potential harm. Take care and God bless. And thanks for your comment. I'm glad my efforts were able to give comfort to at least one person. We'll keep you and your step-daughter in our thoughts and prayers.

ole nib

Worried sick said...

To add to the pot my step-daughter still slept with him after and now she's 3 weeks pregnant. God's gift, I always believe a child is. For sure not a good time right now. It's hard to be at the place I should be right now with all this because I just wish she would open her eyes. She's 7 years younger than i am, she deserves better. Thanks so much for the thoughts and prayers. Always needed.